Monday, November 2, 2015
Hey mom I guess you are partially right. I have been struggling for about a month now from hearing that a friend is seriously considering going home and that he doesn’t feel that he is making a difference to hearing every week that Spencer is going to be home and how badly I would love to see him.
A combination of things has occupied my mind and all of its empty cavities. I can see and feel that my level of joy has gone down and I know why it’s happening, the only problem is that I can’t do anything to change most of those things. I have a battle within me that’s taking place and I am coming to learn it’s just like a big hump. In all things you have humps. From a hump day every week to those last 10 lbs, one can never seem to lose after killing yourself every day in the gym for hours and hours. I feel like the more accurate of those two comparisons is definitely the one about weight cutting but it’s the truth. I have been killing myself for a year basically running between houses just to spend every second of my time teaching and declaring this message to all those who are ready to hear it.
Now, I have a year of doing that and I feel like the fire and the gains I had have withered. I am trying to become reanimated but it’s very hard when I constantly have a companion at my side that is trying to do the exact opposite and is not working towards becoming a bigger and better missionary. At every corner or at every chance that sin offers him to convince me to break the rules, he tries. Whether it is go to a party or ask me what I thought about a girl in a physical sense. I have been suffering and I know it. I am trying my best to be strong but I don’t know how much more weight I can take and continue to walk with strength and bliss in every step. I’m struggling and I can honestly say that I have been doing an incredible job of fighting the voice I constantly hear coming from my comp telling me to be a rebel but I don’t know how much more I will be able to ignore before it gets to be too hard. I only have to survive 10 days more with this dead weight companion but I know these 10 days is going to be difficult.
I have been struggling. I’m sorry I haven’t been writing home every week it’s just that it’s hard to pretend all is butterflies and cakewalks when that’s not true. I don’t think I’m gonna write a general this week either but I know I am going to get over this hump because I always have. Please don’t forget me in your prayers and also don’t be afraid to put my friend into them too! He needs us and I need him to have the strength to continue so that I can have peace of mind.
I found a new family 2 weeks ago and I know that they are going to be key in helping me reboot myself into mission shape once again but it’s going to be harder than I think. I promise I won’t give up but I need you to try to understand I’m in a rough patch and I need some direction.
Always,
Elder Jonah McKee
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